


Breathe

by flootzavut



Series: Next Time Deuterocanon [9]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blanket Permission, Depression, M/M, Next Time compliant, Post-Canon, Sadsturbation, Sexual Relationship, Smut, Smutcember, Vague Suicidal Ideation, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 04:16:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20482730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: BJ is not the kind of person who kisses just anyone. So when he does? It's a big deal. It's special.





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts).

> This might turn out to be part of the Next Time 'verse, I don't know; the only thing that's definite is that it's post-canon Hawk being angsty 😂👍🏼

* * *

_ **Breathe** _

* * *

Hawk knows it's stupid and counterproductive, but it doesn't matter. Nothing has made him stop so far, and nothing is likely to make him stop now. Even knowing he isn't alone in the house doesn't always stop him, so a morning when his father is at work and he has the place to himself is an irresistible temptation.

(Not that he actually tries to resist.)

It's been a while since he got fucked by someone else. A very unwise dalliance on a solo R&R, when he just couldn't stop thinking about BJ and needed someone, anyone, to make it stop hurting for a bit.

(Predictably, it didn't help, which is most of the reason he gave up. His own fingers work: why take the risk of some guy getting huffy when Hawk can't stop whimpering BJ's name?)

His fingers are a lousy substitute, in truth, but at least they aren't going to get mad at him or leave him hanging or any of the other things people have been known to do over the years. So he gets naked and gets clean and then lies on top of the comforter and lets his imagination run riot.

BJ Hunnicutt doesn't sleep with guys, but Hawk knows him well and is sure of how it would happen if it did. He can practically taste what it would be like, the first kiss. Tentative and unsure, but loving and warm, too. He can picture it so vividly.

BJ is not the kind of person who kisses just anyone. So when he does? It's a big deal. It's special.

Hawk lets his hands roam over his skin as he imagines BJ kissing him, BJ shyly plucking at his clothing. BJ's eyes going wide and his breath stuttering when Hawk squirrels his hands unapologetically under BJ's shirt, when he squeezes BJ's ass and pulls him in close.

At least here, Hawk has plenty to base his daydream on. He never got to touch the way he wanted to, he never got to kiss BJ all over, but he saw - he _saw_.

He saw BJ stripping off, he stole glimpses in the shower, even saw BJ with a hard on a couple of times. He knows BJ's chest is well-muscled and liberally dusted with hair; he knows BJ's thighs are firm and tan; he knows what it's like to hold BJ close and can imagine oh-so-clearly how it would feel if they were naked, he and BJ skin to skin, BJ warm and solid and comforting in his arms.

BJ gaining confidence and taking charge, oh, _God_.

Hawk doesn't think about what he's doing, just lets his hands think for him as he envisages getting on his knees to take BJ into his mouth, as he pictures BJ's big hands tangled in his hair. BJ pulls him up and into a bruising kiss, and Hawk whimpers, and he's not touching himself anymore, it's Beej touching him, wrapping a hand around his cock, slipping a finger between his buttocks, grinning when Hawk shudders. "Breathe, Hawk. You're so desperate. It's amazing." He slathers on lube with a laugh, and murmurs appreciation and love into Hawk's ear as he presses, so gently and carefully. Hawk moans as he lets BJ in, begs for more and gets another laugh for his trouble. "I don't wanna hurt you," Beej whispers, "I don't ever wanna hurt you, Hawk."

It's so real and so clear, BJ's fingers in Hawk's ass, and it's slow and gentle and so, so loving. "I can't wait any longer, Beej," Hawk whimpers, "I need you, please, _God_."

BJ shakes his head. "I don't wanna hurt you," he says again, still gently fucking Hawk open. "I hate when you hurt. I love you, Hawk." He laughs softly "You're beautiful when you're desperate," he whispers, right in Hawk's ear. "God, I love you."

It's too much and not enough, and the illusion breaks even as Hawk comes to pieces, comes all over himself, comes apart at the seams and cries because BJ isn't here, and he doesn't love Hawk. Hawk's alone, and lonely, and pathetic, and he wonders for the hundredth time why he still even bothers to breathe.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
